The Many Benefits of R.A.I.N. Meditation

Most days, I meditate silently. Focusing on my breath and bringing myself back to it with compassion when my mind inevitably wanders. But at least once a week, I do a R.A.I.N. meditation.

Often, I will do this the day after something happens with my kids that stirs up an emotion in me that I am not comfortable with. Sometimes, my practice is prompted by something that happened with my husband. And from time to time, it can even be prompted by something on TV.

Regardless of what prompted it, doing the R.A.I.N. Meditation allows me to feel it in a way that I couldn’t before and it starts to lose its power over me.

How Do You Do R.A.I.N. Meditation?

R.A.I.N. Is an acronym that stands for:

Recognize

Accept

Investigate

and

Nourish with self-compassion

(Actually the “N” can stand for a bunch of things, most commonly “non-identification.” But I prefer to think of “nourish,” I guess because it reminds me of how I (try to) serve my children.)

Take however long you plan on meditating that day and divide by four to give you a rough sense of how long to spend on each letter. Give any extra time to “accept,” as that really is the most transformative part of this meditation.

Then, find a comfortable posture, take a few deep breaths (maybe sigh on the exhale), roll your shoulders down and back or otherwise get even more comfortable and relaxed, and buckle in to get to know your feelings a little better.

The first part of R.A.I.N. is “recognize.” What to recognize, you ask? Both what brought about the feeling, and also the sensations in your body that arise alongside the emotion.

(Not sure what emotion to work with? Just pick the last strong emotion that you experienced. In the future you might choose an emotion you struggle with and do R.A.I.N. meditation to explore the various scenarios in which it shows up. But this first time around, just pick something that stands out, usually because it is recent.

Just be sure that you don’t use a traumatic event the first time. Mildly distressing is okay. Think a “3” on a 1-10 scale. But you don’t want to start with something too difficult. Instead, you want to work your way up to that, possibly with the support of a skilled witness.)

In order to recognize what happened giving rise to the feeling (the “trigger” in the case of “negative” emotions), try “watching” the scenario on the “movie screen” of your mind’s eye. When you get to the moment when your feelings are strongest, switch your attention away from the events giving rise to the feeling, and towards the sensations. Where do you feel this feeling in the body? Shoulders? Head? Stomach? Legs? Inside or outside? Forward or back? Is it a tingling sensation? A dull ache? An increase or decrease in energy? You don’t need to overanalyze it, but you do want to get to know the character of the sensations and their approximate locations in the body.

Now you can move on to “A,” acceptance.

What name would you give this feeling? Perhaps there are several, but hopefully in that case you can choose one that you want to work with today. The name might be general (“sad”) or specific (“flabbergasted”), depending on your emotional vocabulary and familiarity with this emotion. It may be the same as you thought before the meditation began or it may have changed as you gained a deeper understanding.

Now for the hard part. Welcoming the feeling. I like to say something like, “Hello, dear anger. I see you there. It’s okay that you are here. I’ll take care of you.”

Although it might seem like there are fewer parts to this step than to others’, I like to set aside extra time for “acceptance” because the biggest benefit of R.A.I.N. meditation, in my opinion, is that it helps us live better with the feelings that we typically run away from.

Once you are done with that step, you can move on to “I,” “investigate.”

To some extent, this looks similar to the first step. You likely will spend some extra time observing the sensations, perhaps looking below them to see if you can learn anything about where they come from. You might also try to answer the question, “why now?,” as long as you can do so without getting too distracted by your thoughts and the story. Just see what more you can learn about this feeling.

And now it is time to move on to “N.” “Nurture with self compassion.”

This one can feel a bit awkward at first, especially if you are accustomed to being hard on yourself or judging yourself for experiencing certain emotions. But in my experience, self-compassion—like acceptance—is one of the keys to transforming your parenting.

So how do you do it? You’ve already acknowledged and welcomed your feeling. Now tell it you’ll take care of it. Offer yourself soothing touch if that feels good. And my favorite, cradle the feeling in your arms and rock it like a baby. Maybe follow it up with a statement of love for yourself, just as you are.

And when you are done, take some deep breaths as you slowly open your eyes (if they were closed) and bring your mind back into the room, increasing your awareness of your surroundings.

How often should you do R.A.I.N. meditation?

When I first learned R.A.I.N., I did it very infrequently. (Think once or twice a year.) When I got really serious about regular meditation, I did it 2-3 times a week for a few months. Now, I do it about once per week. (Of course, there are weeks when I experience “big emotions” A LOT. Those weeks I do it 2-3 times. But some weeks I don’t do it at all.)

As I hope my experience demonstrates, the answer really is “as often as you need.”

So What Are The Benefits of R.A.I.N. Meditation?

The benefits of R.A.I.N. meditation are incredibly numerous and well-documented. But for parents, three of the less-written-about benefits stand out.

R.A.I.N. Meditation Helps You Feel Your Feelings

Most of us have certain feelings we turn away from—or even push away. For many, these are the feelings that were labeled as “bad” in our childhood. (Or even our adulthood. “Shame” immediately comes to mind when I think of this.) But for some, it is the “good stuff,” like joy, that feels too uncomfortable to be with.

R.A.I.N. doesn’t allow this. It requires that we experience an uncomfortable feeling deeply and (probably) for an extended period of time. This makes it hard. But current research suggests that this is how we can “heal” them.

R.A.I.N. Shifts Our Attention From Our Children To Us

It’s pretty common for responsive parenting content to remind parents that our reactions are more about us than they are about our children. And that’s a good reminder. But once we understand that, what do we do?

Enter R.A.I.N.

This meditation reminds us to take a look at what we are feeling when we get upset. If we manage to do that in the moment, we might be able to stop our reaction before we get too far down the path. And even if we don’t, we have an opportunity to explore it later. The important thing is that it focuses us on our feelings, not on what our children did to push our buttons.

R.A.I.N. Helps You Understand Yourself Better, So You Can Better Accept Your Child

I believe that a lot of our suffering as parents comes from thinking that our children are going to “grow out of it.” (Whatever “it” is.)

And they might. Or they might not. Even if you find out that whatever is bothering you right now is totally age-appropriate. And that can be incredibly frustrating.

So how does R.A.I.N. meditation help with this? It reminds us, in a very visceral way, that we don’t grow out of everything. Sure, we might get more skillful at how we act on our feelings, but the feelings will always be part of our life.

And that’s okay.

And when we realize that it is okay for anger (or another emotion) to be part of our life, we realize that it is okay if our child never grows out of that behavior that we don’t like.

I mean, sure. We’d like it if they did. But we’ll be okay if they don’t. And they’ll be okay too.

Getting Started With R.A.I.N. Meditation

If you’ve read this far, you’re hopefully thinking you should give R.A.I.N. meditation a try. But where to start?

I’ve included instructions above, but if you just can’t imagine remembering all that (I hear ya!), R.A.I.N. is a great option for guided meditation. And there are a lot of free recordings available on the internet.

The big name in R.A.I.N. meditation is Tara Brach. And whether you search her website or look for her on YouTube, you will find plenty of recordings of her leading R.A.I.N. meditations, including some focused on specific emotions such as grief.

Have you tried R.A.I.N. meditation? What was your experience like?