Beyond “Fight, Flight, or Freeze”—An Introduction to Polyvagal Theory and the Autonomic Nervous System

I am no stranger to the “fight, flight, or freeze” description of the stress response. In part because I’ve had a lot of stress in my life. But also because I had learned it when my oldest was a baby and I started practicing peaceful parenting. So imagine my surprise the first time I heard of “fawn.” Or “dissociation.”

And wait a minute, what do you mean that there are two different types of “freeze”?

Although it was a lot to wrap my head around at first, learning about polyvagal theory and the autonomic nervous system was instrumental in transforming myself as a parent and my relationship with my children. And if you struggle with understanding your stress response the way I did, I hope that this introduction will get you a little closer to understanding what is really going on and how it impacts you and your child.

Polyvagal Theory and the Autonomic Nervous System

Polyvagal Theory emerged in the 1990s thanks to the work of Dr. Stephen Porges. It was translated for therapists and other non-academics primarily by Deb Dana and was brought into the parenting world primarily by Mona Delahooke. Many, many others have adopted it in whole or in part, though, particularly in the worlds of trauma and healing.

Polyvagal theory looks at the autonomic nervous system (ANS)—that’s the system that controls our bodies’ automatic processes such as breathing—and particularly the longest nerve in that system, the vagus nerve, and what happens in that system when the body is under threat. It also considers how the ANS scans the environment for threat, a process known as “neuroception.” And by understanding how these things work, and that they are outside of our control, it sets us up to be able to shift our states—i.e., to regulate.

Three Circuits, Three Mixed States

Although the vagus nerve is referred to in the singular, it actually consists of two nerves—the parasympathetic in the front, and the sympathetic in the back. The parasympathetic nerve can be further divided into two circuits—ventral and dorsal. The ventral circuit is the one we typically associate with being regulated and connected to others. (In fact, the common descriptor of this state is “safe and social.”) Dorsal, in contrast, is ventral’s extreme opposite. It’s where the body goes when it feels so unsafe that it determines that it isn’t worth fighting. The best it can do is shutdown to conserve its resources and dull the pain.

In sympathetic, on the other hand, there’s a threat, but it isn’t quite as serious. The body doesn’t shutdown because it has determined it has a chance at survival. It just needs to fight or flee to make that happen.

So what about the freeze response we hear about in phrases such as “fight, flight, or freeze”? Is that a dorsal state?

Not exactly. Whereas a true dorsal state is one in which there is a (almost) complete absence of energy, freeze is a mixed state in which the sympathetic and dorsal circuits are present in equal measure and engaged in a tug-of-war. A great way to think of the difference is that dorsal just says “I can’t,” while freeze says, “I want to…but I can’t.”

The other two mixed states are variations on ventral. In the first, stillness, the person experiencing it is, for the most part, in that safe and social place, but a splash of dorsal vagal has been added to the ventral, slowing everything down. This is the state of meditation.

The last mixed state, play, is a primarily ventral state with a splash of sympathetic energy. This is an especially important state for parents to understand because it is so important to our children’s development. Not because they spend so much time playing (although they hopefully do!) but because this is the state of learning. When people are in play, they are in their “zone of proximal development”—safe enough, but oh-so-slightly outside their comfort zone, doing something new (or at least exciting). It is here that they can grow.

How Understanding the ANS Can Support You As A Parent

Interesting, you’re (hopefully) thinking. But so what? Well, there are two reasons in particular that I find this perspective and approach incredibly useful for parents.

First, is the perspective shift that it can provide us in looking at our children’s behavior and how we can best support them. Even as a parent who was really well-versed in identifying my child’s needs and addressing them, there was something nevertheless impactful about learning about the ANS and its automatic nature. While I meet get annoyed by my child’s “needs” when I’m not well-resourced, I don’t get annoyed by my child’s self-protective measures, no matter my state. (Assuming, of course, that I can remember that his behaviors are self-protective.)

Second, is the way that it helps us to support ourselves. Once we know about the states, we can identify where we are in any given moment based on the sensations in our body. We can develop a sense of what types of actions typically move us out of a state we’d rather not be in, so that we can try them out and develop our own toolkit of actions that we can take to actively maneuver ourselves from one state to another. We can develop an understanding of what gets us to ventral and what helps us stay there, so that we can incorporate more of these things in our daily routine. And because all of this is driven by our physiological state and not something that we’ve been conditioned to believe should be within our control—as is often the case with emotions—it somehow feels more natural and loving than doing the same things in the name of “emotional regulation.”

What do you think? Does knowing about the autonomic nervous system help you understand “fight, flight, or freeze” better?