I had no idea what to call this page because there were so many related-but-not-interchangeable phrases left that appeared on these pages and that were central to my work. Phrases such as “polyvagal theory,” “the autonomic nervous system,” “somatic,” “embodiment,” and “window of tolerance.” And then, of course, there was the issue of WHY peaceful parenting and mindful parenting aren’t enough even though I deeply believe in them.

The main thing missing from Peaceful Parenting is that it doesn’t directly address that knowing better doesn’t automatically lead to doing better because when we are under stress (which may be because of what is actually happening or it may be because of something that happened in our past that has been dredged up by the events of the present moment) our rational, thinking brain—the part of us that can use all the wonderful ideas and tools of Peaceful Parenting—is not online. And while Mindful Parenting does address this, its approach to handling the stress response is too focused on the mind/brain and doesn’t incorporate the rest of the body enough for many parents to fully feel the effects.

My approach to parenting leverages all the wonderful parts of Peaceful Parenting and Mindful Parenting, but layers them on top of understanding what is happening in the body and supporting the body so that the stress response doesn’t take over as easily or often. So let’s talk about what those things are:

Polyvagal theory refers to a scientific theory pioneered by Dr. Stephen Porges, a psychologist and neuroscientist. His work and the work of researchers who followed him have taught us so much about the autonomic nervous system (ANS) and how things work “below the surface.” Among other things, this work has taught us about the automaticity of the autonomic nervous system; regulation, the three different circuits of the ANS, and the mixed states; and the importance of safety and connection in regulation.

The terms “somatic” and “embodiment” refer to the fact that we are more than just brains and the imprint of our experiences—as well as our ability to “heal” or move on from them—lives not just in our brains but also in the rest of our bodies (a/k/a, our “soma”). Probably the biggest name in somatic work is Dr. Peter Levine, though my personal learning has mostly been with the help and guidance of my somatic experiencing practitioner, Veronica Rottman. Because of how important our bodies (beyond our brains) are, overanalyzing *why* we are the way we are is not necessary. What we need to do is give those experiences an opportunity to be “heard” and then shift the way that we show up in the world, moving about as the people we would like to be.

This experience expands our window of tolerance or the space in which we still feel connected and mindful of the present moment. In other words, our regulation.

Three of my biggest influences in the application of this approach to children and parenting have been Dr. Mona Delahooke, Lisa Dion, and Robyn Gobbel, and I am incredibly grateful for their generosity in sharing their understanding and work in support of children and families. As they show us, the path forward with our children is to focus on our children’s felt sense of safety in the moment (something that Mindful Parenting helps with tremendously), and then use the amazing tools of Peaceful Parenting and Mindful Parenting (especially the communication tools) to grow their windows of tolerance so that they experience challenging dysregulation a little less often. And as it happens, this is also the path forward with ourselves.